*****
Little things, making chips in the dam that holds back all my feelings, all my emotions. The thing that holds back my tears, that stops me from breaking, is started to crack. Tiny things, things that shouldn't matter, are building up. At first, they're chipping away at the wall. But as they build and build and build, they begin to slam against the wall, large cracks spreading across the dam, joining together, forming jagged constellations.
And then it's breaking, crumbling, and I'm breaking and crumbling with it. The tears come, the feelings release, I let go, finally.
I need to be alone. Right. Now.
I'm panicking, I can feel the emotions surging and crashing over me.
I need to be alone.
I need to be alone. Right. Now.
I'm panicking, I can feel the emotions surging and crashing over me.
I need to be alone.
I run. I run away and hide and cry. I can't run away from my thoughts, though.
'Nobody likes you, Bethan.'
'Everybody thinks you're weird, Bethan.'
'Your friends wish you'd leave them alone, Bethan.'
'You're not good enough, Bethan.'
The feelings are crashing over me like a wave and I'm drowning.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
And then I'm forced out of hiding, but I'm not ready yet. So I'm forced to re-build the wall, shove the wave back. Until the next time I shatter. It's a vicious cycle, and I can never win. Because the feelings are always there, but I can never express them. I hold them back. I break. I shove them away. I hold them back. I crumble. I shove them away. Over and over again.
How long can I do this?
I don't think I can stand this much longer.
*****
Sorry this is a bit depressing. As I said, rough day yesterday. It's how I'm feeling right now. This is the truth, though. This is me. Me and the vicious cycle.
Not that you care.
Oh, my dear Bethan. Come here. Allow me to wrap you up in a friendly internet hug, then, if you will, please let me to take you away to a place I call my island of creativity. It's warm and relaxing there. And time is frozen, so you don't have to worry about things catching up on you--you don't have to worry about your cycle of living starting over again. There is a beach, with sand, and ocean water surrounds every part of the beautiful land. But there's no need to worry about the waves crashing against you. Everything--EVERYTHING--here is calm. Especially you.
ReplyDeleteYour mind, soul, body, thoughts, emotions, all that is YOU is relaxed. You may lie in a hammock, and let the breeze sway you. I'll play gentle music in the background--or no music at all. Whichever you prefer. Together, we'll eat three bowls of creative berries (blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, or whatever else you like best). Then after that we'll watch the sunset. We'll write without pressure under the light of the starry sky. And if we feel like it, we'll dance around a bonfire neither of us created. We'll shout (crazy, wild, intense) proclamations into the air.
We won't ever have to leave (unless of course you'd like to be on this island alone, which is perfectly understandable. I just thought that since I've been having a rough time lately, too, that we both deserve some time off, and the thought that we should spend this time together sounded quite pleasant).
I shall meet you on this island in a couple hours. I need to pack...and find directions. ;)
xoxo,
Rosie
Oh, Rosie, that sounds magnificent! That sounds like just what we need. :)
DeleteYour little island of creativity sounds perfect - I love it.
Of course you'll be there - obviously, we both need a break.
We can write all day and read all night and talk about writing and read each other's work. And we can laugh and eat those beautiful berries you speak of. And we won't ever leave.
I'll see you there. I also need to pack.
Thank you so much, Rosie dear. That comment means so much to me, and it made my day. Thank you.
xoxo,
Bethan
Awww Bethan! I understand how u feel! Iwill be praying for you!
ReplyDeletexxLizzie
Thank you, Lizzie
Deletexx <3
Oh Bethan, of course we care. We'll always be here for you, and you are good enough, actually you're better than good enough you're so much more than that. I hope the rough times will pass :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, that is so nice to hear. You don't understand how much that means to me.
DeleteThank you <3
xoxo,
Bethan
I love this post of creative Thursday! It doesn't matter that you are late, everyone makes mistakes! I just wanted to let you know that category one is open for Here's To Summer photography contest. You can view it here if you like xx
ReplyDeleteThe Joys Of Being Paige
Thank you - just needed to let it out!
DeleteThanks for letting me know.
xx
Aw Beth, I hope you feel a bit better soon!
ReplyDeleteRemember I am only a phone call away and you can always come visit:)
Love you lots like jelly tots,
-Lauren xoxo
Thanks, Loz.
DeleteI need to see you :( Or ring you, at least.
Love you lots like jelly tots (can that be our new line? Because I love it)
xoxo,
Bethan <3
Aww, Bethan, I care.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I let everything boil up inside me until it spills out in rapids.
We all have those dark days, but we also have days where we're irresistibly happy just as we are and we're certain we're good enough and we're right. So keep holding on until one of the days, it's not too far away, lovely. <3
post script: we haven't been talking a lot, have we? :p WE MUST CHANGE THAT! Okay, so I got to 100 followers. :D that's what's new with me, what about you?
That means a lot to hear from you <3
DeleteThank goodness I'm not the only one!
I'll keep that in mind - thanks Madeline. It's just, I've been waiting for one of those happy days for so long... I hope you're right. <3
No, we haven't. :( WE MUST! Oh my gosh, congratulations! It is an honour to be one of those 100 :) You deserve it and more, my dear. <3 Um....nothing really new has happened... I'm nearly at 50 followers? Summer Holidays are approaching fast (yay) and I have a huge pile of books to read (nothing new there...) And I just made cupcakes. :D
xoxo,
Bethan
Sometimes it seems like they take forever and a day to come, but I promise it won't be that long. If you ever need somebody to talk to ya know my email. I can't promise I'll understand but I promise I'll try. ;) <3
Deleteaww, thank you! You give the sweetest comments. You are going to have 100 followers in NO. TIME. You're just that lovely. I've been dying to read We Were Liars by E. Lockhart, what's on the top of your pile? Ugh I can practically smell them. :p :)
xx
Aw, thank you so much Madeline. That offer means the world to me. <3
DeleteJust speaking the truth! Aw, thank you so much! Oh my gosh, I really want to read that! I have it ready on my kindle. :)
Hmmm... there are quite a few books on top of my pile. I'll be picking up The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak next, I think, but I also have the first book in the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead and Half Bad by Sally Green. So many books, so little time....
xx
OOOO, I love Vampire Academy! <3
DeleteI'm sorry you had another bad day. :( Love you.
I'm really excited to read them. :)
DeleteThanks, I just hope it blows over quickly. Love you too. <3
Though this post may not be full of laughter and happiness, it shows the real you and that's what it should do. Everyone has days where they don't feel like getting up and getting on with life, but that doesn't mean you should hide it from anyone. Those who really appreciate your blog will accept you for who you are.
ReplyDeleteAmy x
http://rawramazzable.blogspot.co.uk/
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I hope my followers accept me!
DeleteThanks for your comment <3
xx