missing the colour in my life

As I'm sure is the case for many of you, I am currently off school for the Easter holidays. I remember when I was younger, these two weeks would consist of going outside, playing in the sun, seeing my friends and walking to the park with them so we could sit on the swings and chat, reading books, watching films, painting, lying on the floor in a patch of sunlight doing absolutely nothing.

Now, my two weeks consist of getting up at 8am, starting work at 9am, working all day, every day, (with breaks for food and making a cup of tea) until 9pm, when I go to bed. That's it.

My days are not spent in the sun, reading in the garden, but rather in the ray of sun that covers the kitchen table as I do practice questions and notes and past papers. I can no longer have lie ins, lazy mornings, days where I do nothing. Because every minute is precious and valuable and needs to be spent revising.

I'm writing this post in bed, just before I go to sleep, so as not to waste any of my day.

I make it sound like I'm some work machine with no breaks and no social interaction, which isn't true. I have breaks for meals, and making cups of tea, and also just 10 minutes where I might just wander into the living room and talk to my family. I see my friends, but during 'work sessions', where we both sit at either my or their table and do some revision.

It's more the loss of doing what I love that I was aiming to write about. I miss being able to read for a whole day, or just lying on the sofa watching Netflix with my mum. I miss painting because I wanted to paint, rather than because my art exam is in three weeks. I miss getting up at 10am and staying up until 1am, knowing I can catch up on sleep with a lie in.

I want to be able to enjoy things again, instead of being a zombie with a sore hand and a blank expression.
My mind is grey, because I've given away the time I used for colour.

This isn't a rant, or me having a moan, because I know all of this will be worth it when I do my exams and feel 100% prepared, and when I open that brown envelope on results day. It will all be worth it once exams are over and I can spend my 10 week summer doing everything I enjoy. This was just an expression of my feelings, I guess. And how I get through missing the things I love.

Just one big push, and then summer.

x