I am afraid

I am afraid of many things. When I was younger, it was the dark that hid the monsters, the things that go bump in the night, and bugs. I'm still afraid of bugs, and I'm still not a fan of the dark, but that's mainly because it means I'm alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts are what scare me most.

As I grew older, I became scared of losing my loved ones, being completely alone forever; my own imagination scared me more than anything.

I've also realised that what I'm scared of falls into three categories:

- My imagination, and every horrifying daydream it sends my way

- Nouns (not the actual words, the objects that the word "noun" encompasses)

- Verbs (again, not the words that are classed as nouns, but the actions described as verbs)

My imagination is something I can't help, so I try not to read too much into those fears, as they are usually irrational and not worth thinking about. I am afraid of nouns because I've seen them, and they scare me - bugs is the prime example here.

But I'm afraid of verbs because I've never experienced the verb itself. I'm scared of flying because I've never been on a plane before. I'm scared of failing in school because I've never failed before. I'm scared of being alone because I've never been completely, totally, utterly alone - don't get me wrong, I'm an introvert to the core, and my alone time is precious to me, but to have no support system at all is terrifying.

The list goes on.

I've realised that I am afraid of a lot of things, and for a lot of them, the only cure is to experience them. To go through life and instead of feel like I'm facing fears, just do something, and once it's over, acknowledge in the back of my mind that I'm no longer afraid of that verb.

Because in life, the only thing being afraid does is hold you back. So really, the only thing to fear is fear itself (ta, FDR, for the great line), because fearing things is what can lead to an unfulfilled life. If you guard yourself from every new experience because it's new (and so scares you), you're not really living.

So be afraid of fear, and any bugs that you may encounter (because those things are evil), but try not to let the verbs get you down. Try not to let them stop you from experiencing things.

Try not to let them stop you from living.

missing the colour in my life

As I'm sure is the case for many of you, I am currently off school for the Easter holidays. I remember when I was younger, these two weeks would consist of going outside, playing in the sun, seeing my friends and walking to the park with them so we could sit on the swings and chat, reading books, watching films, painting, lying on the floor in a patch of sunlight doing absolutely nothing.

Now, my two weeks consist of getting up at 8am, starting work at 9am, working all day, every day, (with breaks for food and making a cup of tea) until 9pm, when I go to bed. That's it.

My days are not spent in the sun, reading in the garden, but rather in the ray of sun that covers the kitchen table as I do practice questions and notes and past papers. I can no longer have lie ins, lazy mornings, days where I do nothing. Because every minute is precious and valuable and needs to be spent revising.

I'm writing this post in bed, just before I go to sleep, so as not to waste any of my day.

I make it sound like I'm some work machine with no breaks and no social interaction, which isn't true. I have breaks for meals, and making cups of tea, and also just 10 minutes where I might just wander into the living room and talk to my family. I see my friends, but during 'work sessions', where we both sit at either my or their table and do some revision.

It's more the loss of doing what I love that I was aiming to write about. I miss being able to read for a whole day, or just lying on the sofa watching Netflix with my mum. I miss painting because I wanted to paint, rather than because my art exam is in three weeks. I miss getting up at 10am and staying up until 1am, knowing I can catch up on sleep with a lie in.

I want to be able to enjoy things again, instead of being a zombie with a sore hand and a blank expression.
My mind is grey, because I've given away the time I used for colour.

This isn't a rant, or me having a moan, because I know all of this will be worth it when I do my exams and feel 100% prepared, and when I open that brown envelope on results day. It will all be worth it once exams are over and I can spend my 10 week summer doing everything I enjoy. This was just an expression of my feelings, I guess. And how I get through missing the things I love.

Just one big push, and then summer.

x